I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
