hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
