So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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