oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize