STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
