Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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