WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i think i just lost a toe
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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