Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
