life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
