i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
