note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
