These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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