Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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