Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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