I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
