haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
