well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
