i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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