Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
