just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
