when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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