I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Welp...herpes.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
