Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
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Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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