I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
