So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
