Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
