So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
