I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
