I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
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I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
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Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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