I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
