Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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