Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm both gender and math confused
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
