On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
