Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
