Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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