Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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