What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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