would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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