She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i think i just lost a toe
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
