I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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