Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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