Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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