so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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