My sheets look like a crime scene.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
