I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
