dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
