If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize