The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
