I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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