My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
