so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
