I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dicks are not precious.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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