Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
