apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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