So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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