the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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