Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
