I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
