what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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