My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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