i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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